Sunday 15 September 2013

A Walk with Gustav

The silence of the mountains at night can instill one with a sense of unnerving purity. Even at day time, the birds, bees and an occasional dog barking in a distant village are the only sounds one hears. The sheer lack of any noise somehow tends to refresh my memory.
I am here, in the only place that offers a surreal calmness and yet, I am torn up within to sighs behind this façade of normalcy. I think this is the true definition of ‘life’.
I can keenly feel the transition into adulthood, into boredom, into mental stress that presses upon you, creeps into the crevices of your soul, as eerily as mists and clouds passing across hills. A slow yet steady and dampening catharsis—of impact, ideas and irony.
Gustav too, does not understand my pain. He’s always had a cheering effect on me, helping me alleviate sorrow, blocking away the memories that come as suddenly and as heavily as cloud bursts.
I decide to walk with him amidst the lonely mountains, free birds and a humming breeze drenched in pure snow.
The silence deafens me to a numbness of the mind that veers close to abysmal insanity. I am lost—in every definition of the phrase.
Gustav, however, is rock solid by my side. He looks away when tears fall helplessly from my eyes, onto the rock-table below. He tugs at my hand and pulls me toward the local tea-shop, silently saying, ‘Time to eat’.
While I peck at a plate of noodles and milky, sweet tea, Gustav regards a group of young men with caution. With a slight hint of aggression.
He ignores their bickering and maintains his poise, waiting for me to finish my typically hill station meal.
Gustav and I are more than friends, in one short walk. It is a love that, unspoken, says everything.

Gustav is a white mountain dog. And I am a dusky city girl. The universe works in unusual ways—I learnt and experienced love most keenly, not from or with another human being, but from man’s best and perhaps oldest friend—a dog.

Monday 2 September 2013

Mildly Offensive Content

A warm sky and rusty swings in the park.
I like to sit on the swings in early evening hours
Else, I am bullied into a corner by the stronger kids.
I’ve even got a chocolate to keep me company
As the swing talks to me, excitedly:
Scree-scronk, scree-scronk
Scree-scronk, scree-sconk.
You watch me from the bench and smile.
I see you have another chocolate and that’s a magnet, right there.
The shiny wrapper, your encouraging smile and then,
Your hand against my thigh, climbing up.
I begin to cry and your penis alerts itself to just, that.
My muffled screams, my bloody torn vagina and your hands
Your hands on my adolescent breasts.
These images, will stay.

Too young to remember.
My mother never lets me out of her sight.
And I have a natural aversion to brown beards
To pot bellies of old men, that make me nauseous.
Is it because of you? I’m never allowed to talk to you.
Did you strip me naked and eject your lust on my infantile body?
And now, your own daughter sits astride your lap, with TRUST.

I liked a boy and movies about perfect snogging.
I also loved sparkly nail paint and vibrant dresses
That made the boys in class smile at me.
Then you offered to take me to our tuition center.
And my teenaged mind was ecstatic
“Teacher will drop me. Mouths will jabber. Yay!”
The people talked, but not in envy. In pity.
And I, grew obese in the confines of my room.
Remembering the bougainvillea creepers that pricked my face.
As you tore threw me, with your erectile monster.
I now eat away, the memories of after.
Of dropping out, of baggy clothes and losing my body
To the love of carbs that don’t and won’t rape my solitude.

Trust and its emissions on a young working woman.
I’m me, I’m her and I’m nobody.
I’m the girl you see on the metro and forget.
I’m the girl haggling with auto drivers that you glimpsed from your car.
I’m the girl who loves discounts in the city malls.
I’m the girl who lived next door to you and borrowed coffee.
So you knew, I smoke, I stay up late. Alone.
I’m the girl you came to, pretending to be hurt, asking for a bandage.
I’m the girl who took you in, out of humanity, without my pepper spray.
I’m now the girl you raped, tying up my wrists with that camping rope you bragged about.
I’m the girl into whose mouth you shoved, the carabiner, for silence.
I can never climb a rock or go on a trek. Again.

The old lady buying vegetables in the colony.
You would touch my feet, and offer to carry my bags.
I thought it was respect, it was sympathy for my asthma ridden body.
I should conform to my type— old, widowed and wise from age.
I did just that, and treated you as a son.
You came to fix the leaking kitchen pipe.
Instead, you took my trembling body and ravaged it.
You reaped a long lost harvest and walked away, laughing.
It was only a challenge from mindless friends, to you.

All of these are stories, one and many.
All of these are voices, silent and vocal.
All of these are orphans of society— the absent parent.
All of these women, are and could be— you and me.